City - Minneapolis State - MN Country - United States
About
Case of the Missing Star Fish
Was putting the final paperwork away for my last case, Algae Bloom gone a Boom, Lake Herbicide, which had been a tough nut to crack. Tireless hours allowed me to track down the offending lawnowners, putting them behind bars where they belong. Just because they had to best lawn on the block, using too much fertilizer, but I saved another lake from algae overrun. I kicked up my feet, leaned back and looked forward to spending some quality time with Jack on ice. My thoughts were shattered by a sharp knock at my door, making my heart jump to my throat.
Bob N. DeWatters, Lake Detective, wasn’t expecting any visitors at this late hour. Maybe it was that hot little dish lifeguard I met on the Herbicide case, I had given her my card and told her I had some 30 spf sunscreen I like to introduce her to. I got up and cautiously opened the door, but there was no one there, or so I thought. But in a voice that I thought was Tiny Tim reincarnated and a tug on my trousers a little too close to my bobbers, drew my attention to the oddest creature I had ever seen down at my knees.
”Mister you got to help me, it’s my friend Patrick, he’s been nabbed.” He whined.
“What’s your name, friend.” I inquired, stalling to size up this bizarre yellow man.
“My name is SpongeBob and I live in Bikini Bottoms, I star in my own TV show and they got my bestest pal Patrick.”
“Like the name, Bob, and nice square pants by the way, but I’m expensive and I don’t usually take on salt water cases.”
“Don’t worry sir, I’m loaded and I have heard you’re the best when it comes to mysteries of the deep.”
“You heard right there Bob, I guess my reputation is bigger than I thought, I work for $50,000 retainer and $1000 a day plus expenses.”
“No amount is too much for Patrick” SpongeBob cried. “We were wrapping up Episode 234, Squidward busts a Tentacle, when I went to Patrick’s trailer and he was gone, but there was this note.”
Though a little smeared and streaked, I got the drift, it read: Please pay 1 million clams by this Friday or your little buddy Patrick will be… swimming with the fishes… which was hastily scribbled out and replaced with … he’ll be torn limb from limb and used for shark bait. Drop off the dough outside of King Triton’s palace. Signed, TLM
“Could it be…” I gasped.
“Ya, its her alright, been hanging around the set, thought it was just another groupie. Ariel and her little red crab buddy from Jamaica. But why of all the people did she have to do this. I know things between Disney and Nickelodeon been a little dicy with the success of our show, you know this Ocean isn’t big enough for the two of us kinda crap, but this … this … this is too much.” The wailing lasted well into the night.
I headed for Atlantis the next day, his money was good though a little damp, and I got the first charter I could. Hadn’t scuba dived for years but actually felt good to be in the ol’ wet suit again. Wasn’t too hard to find the palace, but it looked like things had hit hard times. I staked out the front gate and not too much later Ariel and her Jamaican buddy came swimming out. I jumped out from behind some coral and sent a tazer dart into crab boy making him an instant Red Lobster fried seafood special. I trained my .38 snubnose on Ariel, but momentarily was taken aback by how rough the years had been on her. I remembered from photos a tasty little redhead with a voice like Carrie Underwood and eyes that could melt my anchor. But this was like Cruella Deville with gills.
I saw she had Patrick by the short arm, making his stupid eyes bulge more than normal. A pink starfish, rotund and dumber than a case of bricks, just like SpongeBob described.
“Let ‘em go Ariel the jig is up.” I screamed.
“Never in a million years, copper. I gots bills to pay and life to live again.” And quicker than lightning her tail slashed at my gun.
Barely missing the snubnose, I filled her prune skinned torso with enough lead to make her an X-ray apron. Somehow she was still alive.
“So baby before you go, I gotta ask you, why the starnapping?”
”Maybe it was Daddy dearest, dying and leaving everything to Snow White, the little tramp, no she couldn’t live off with Prince Charming and those seven midgets, had to have a Sugar Daddy on the side. Of course… cough… of course there’s Prince Eric, Prince my tail fin, he was just another dog going from one bone to another and he buried this one back under the sea. Then dear ‘ol… cough, oh god it hurts… then Disney cuts my pension saying sorry babes, times tough here in Orlando and look at ya, you’re all washed up... bastards, after all the dough I made those creeps. I … I just wanted to … “
She drifted away and let go of Patrick who had turned purple by then. A tear welled up in my eye, hate to see beauty and talent wasted like that.
Well SpongeBob and Patrick were reunited , I made a nice little payday and that hot little lifeguard gave me a call, going power tanning when I hit state side. Just another day’s work in the life of Bob N. DeWatters, Lake Detective. Case closed
I do enjoy writing, never know, may publish something someday.... since it was rainging all day Saturday, allowed me to be creative, and the dampness gave me inspiration. Of course, after a very hot and dry summer, we have had much rain in the last week and SE part of the state is having floods and mudslides, sounds like a case for the Lake Detective... hmmmmmmm
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